


Could She?

by onlyhereforellick



Category: NCIS
Genre: F/M, Post ep 17x14 kind of, parter fic to They Always Do
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-11
Updated: 2020-02-11
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:53:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22659646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onlyhereforellick/pseuds/onlyhereforellick
Summary: I want someone with a sharp intellect and a heart from hell. somebody with eyes like starfire and a mouth with a kiss like a bottomless well. but mostly I just want someone who will love me. when I do not know how to love myself.-Beau Taplin
Relationships: Ellie Bishop/Nick Torres
Comments: 9
Kudos: 55





	Could She?

_Bishop, please._   
_You know, I’m so badass, I can catch guys from a hospital bed._

_Okay, Mr. Badass._   
_How about jumping out of the way of the car the next time it comes at you?_   
_Like I did._

_Don’t even._

_Your life is worth so much more than mine. You deserve to live and love, I don’t._

Nick wanted to scream, to belt it out for the whole world to hear- well, for Ellie to hear. Her life would always supersede his. He was his own worst enemy—desperately wanting to love someone, yet knowing whoever it was deserved better.

Because how could anyone love someone who didn’t even know how to love himself? Didn’t even know if he _liked_ himself from time to time? How would that be fair to them? Loving a damaged person? The answer was easy— _it wasn’t fair._

Nick had grappled with such thoughts long before Xavier struck him with his car. It was her eyes that had captivated him first. Trained eyes peered over her gun aimed dead center at his chest in a narrow alley. Trained hazel eyes flecked with gold that sparked an emotion he’d long ago thought he wasn’t capable of. It was like gazing at a glorious display of light caused by an explosion of dust and debris from millions of years ago—the power of starfire encased in two round globes atop perfectly crested cheekbones. It had been intoxicating and intriguing and uncharted territory. This new feeling, this bubbling emotion deep inside his soul went unrecognized for the longest time- it just simply wasn’t something he knew. He knew he didn’t love his damaged self, he sure as hell didn’t know what love towards another person was.

Yet...he learned. He saw her incredible mind work. He witnessed the feats it could accomplish when that bottom lip was captured between her teeth, the slight furrow to her brow as she folded herself on the ground deep in thought. That sharp mind at work remembering anything from number sequences to his one iced coffee order from an obscure cafe that he’d fallen in love with but was too far from work. He grew to crave seeing her intelligence at its prime. _Was that love?_

And it hadn’t been just her mind, sure- she had that big, beautiful brain of hers. But lord, have you seen her heart? Because Nick had, and that was a sight to behold. It beat despite the absolute wringer it had experienced over the years. She may have thought it was cold, desolate, barren even- but Nick knew the real story. The passion her heart held burned like the surface of a thousand suns- if she let you see it. Lucky for him, those closest to her would occasionally catch a glimpse of it. See that beating organ set anyone in its path on fire. With it, no man could stop her. He’d only heard bits and pieces of its work on Xavier, and the smallest part of him wanted to latch onto that. Wanted to hope her heart beat for him. _Was that love?_

Oh but what really roped Nick in and hooked him like the sucker he was- her lips. Kissable, pink cushions with the perfect dips and curves placed delicately along her smooth jaw. Watching them move was overpowering- they drew you in with their graceful motions, sunk you with they way her pearly teeth pierced into the pink flesh, and murdered you when that sweet tongue darted across them to wet her suddenly parched mouth. He didn’t care why they moved- a jab directed at McGee, a laugh shared with Kasie, a shy smile saved for his eyes only- he just needed them to move like he needed his last breath. Her kiss from those lips igniting a desire he hadn’t felt in ages. Yet knowing that behind one kiss would come many, many more. She certainly wasn’t one to share, no- her kisses would mean forever. Her lips would be a bottomless well that holds the secret to life eternal. An ever-flowing reminder that she had exquisite kisses for one man, and one man alone. _Was that love?_

But-

Even if that was love, even if he loved Ellie with his whole heart, his entire being. Was that enough? Was Nick enough? Was he deserving?

A resounding _no_ clanged around his skull like a church bell in a Southern town on Sunday morning. He wanted to silence it, stop the shrill metal sound that started any time he pictured forever. Any time he truly thought he might deserve to love, even after all he’d done. After all the unimaginable things he’d done, the horrors he’d seen, the pain he’d caused. That bell sounded, loud and clear.

How did he deserve love when he couldn’t bear to love himself?

Ellie deserved a love that was free of baggage. She deserved the world, and Nick could only give her himself. She deserved a love that stays. And that was one thing, one terrible thing he couldn’t promise. Nick understood life was fragile, your next breath never guaranteed. And knowing Ellie’s history, he knew he would never be right for her. Knew that- while it wouldn’t be his doing, not on his life would be voluntarily leave her side— _was that love?_ —he might not have a choice. She didn’t deserve that, no- she deserved to live and love with someone who could live and love her right back.

A tiny whisper made its way through the racket in his head, a whisper full of hope and promise, a whisper that shamelessly wanted someone to love him even in the moments he couldn’t love himself- someone that would not only fill in the gaps, but erase them. Erase the guilt he felt day in and day out. Erase the pain he felt when he pictured their faces. Erase the doubts he felt when he peered in the mirror at the broken man staring back at him. Someone that could love him so fully, he’d forget he once didn’t love himself. He’d forget there were reasons for his despise. Someone that would surpass his wit, love stronger than the fires of hell, shine brighter than the largest of stars, and kiss longer than an endless ocean.

_Could that someone be Ellie?_

Could she love him despite all his misgivings? Could she love him even when he didn’t love himself? Could she love him when there was a risk he’d be taken from her too soon?

Could she?

_Please love me._

But please be sure.

_‘Cause you know I risked my life to save yours._


End file.
